Lily and James: A Collection of Lame Parodies
by Eye Heart Music
Summary: Lily, I love you! I HATE YOU, POTTER! But, I love you! I WILL HATE YOU, JAMES POTTER, FOREVER AND EVER. WAIT. I LOVE YOU TOO! I love you too! I LOVE YOU, JAMES POTTER, BUT YOU'RE STILL ARROGANT AND I STILL HATE YOU, BUT I LOVE YOU TOO, SO LET'S GO SNOG!
1. Into the Sunset

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am a fan of the HP series, not the author of the HP series. JK Rowlings is the author. Thank you so very much.**

**Author's Note: So. . .hey. This is story that'll have just a collection of one-shot parodies or just really stupid and awful one-shots about Lily and James. And, by the way, Lily/James is probably one of my most favorite ships so I am not making fun of them or anything else in the Harry Potter series (which I love! Go Harry Potter!). I am also not making fun of any authors or their way of writing James/Lily stories. Please don't be offended. Besides, I know MY stories definitely aren't perfect and can be quite cliched or stupid at times. . .LoL.**

**WARNING: A SERIES OF STUPID, LAME, CLICHE, EXAGGERATED, AND OVER-FLUFFY-MAKE'S-YOU-JUST-ABOUT-PUKE ONESHOT'S ARE AHEAD OF YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PLEASE READ THIS LIST OF PRECAUTIONS YOU SHOULD TAKE BEFORE READING:**

**1) MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LIFE JACKET HANDY IN CASE YOU START TO DROWN IN THE OVERFLOWING AMOUNT OF FLUFFINESS.**

**2) PLEASE GET A BOX OF KLEENEX IN CASE YOU START TO CRY FROM THE RATHER LARGE AMOUNT OF OC'S AND OVERLY LONG DESCRIPTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS.**

**3) EAR PLUG'S ARE A MUST! YOU WILL GO DEAF WITHOUT THEM FROM THE AMOUNT OF SHOUTING LILY DOES (USUALLY AT JAMES).**

**4) GARLIC TO WARD OFF ALL THE EVIL, JEALOUS GIRLFRIENDS/FAN GIRLS/STALKERS/PROFESSORS/MOLDYMORT- EXCUSE ME, VOLDERMORT/ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS EVIL AND (OR) CLICHED.**

**5) AND FINALLY, PLEASE HAVE A ROPE TO HANG YOURSELF JUST IN CASE THE STORY/IES GET TOO HORRIDLY CLICHED, LAME, AWFUL, HORRID, OVERFLUFFY, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN CAUSE DEPRESSION, HEART FAILURE, OR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. **

**ANY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, HEART FAILURE, HEADACHES, SCARS FOR LIFE, SIGNS OF DEPRESSION, DROWNING IN FLUFF, OR ANY OTHER HARM TO READERS IS NOT THE WEIRD AUTHOR'S FAULT.**

**MORE PRECAUTIONS MAY BE ADDED AS MORE ONE-SHOT'S COME ALONG. PLEASE CHECK BACK EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE FOR YOUR SAFETY.**

**THANK YOU.**

**Now, after reading safety precautions, please sit back with your life jacket, kleenex, ear plugs, garlic, and rope, and read some parodies. Enjoy yourselves. . .if you can. **

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_Parody/Really Lame One-Shot Number One_

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It was 10:30 (AM) at King Cross Station and an eleven year old Lily Evans was walking with her parents and her sister.

Lily was a far more beautiful eleven year old girl should be with long, auburn hair that shined so magnificently in the sun. It was like red rubies cascading down her back. And it was really pretty. It smelled like ripe mango's and watermelon because that was her shampoo.

Blah, blah, blah. Add two more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful and magnificent hair.

Lily also had beautiful emerald colored eyes that sparkled when she was happy and flashed when she was angry. Boys would often get lost in Lily's beautiful pool's of emeralds. Her eyes were like her _soul_. Her _soul_.

Blah, blah, blah. Add three more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful and magnificent eyes.

Lily's skin was beautiful also. It was clear and soft and pale. Boys' were often drawn to Lily because of her magnificent skin too. It was as soft as a baby's bottom.

Blah, blah, blah. Add five more paragraphs about Lily's flawless and beautiful and magnificent skin (no acne or pimples or anything like that, whatsoever! Amazing!).

Lily also had beautiful ears. They were just magnificient. So. . .wonderful!

Blah, blah, blah. Ten more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful ears.

Lily was also very stylish too. Today she was sporting a super, duper, super, super, super, miniature, hot pink miniskirt and a very low cut, yellow, sleeveless shirt, even though it was September and only about fourty degree's outside. But, whatever floats her boat because she's beautiful and boys just flock all over the world to see her.

Blah, blah, blah. Add another ten paragraph's about Lily's beautiful and magnificent clothes of the day.

Lily's older sister Petunia was nothing like Lily. She was ugly and horse-faced and was mean. She and Lily had always been the best of friends, but when Lily found out she was a witch- yes, it was a huge shock to her and her family- Petunia all of a sudden hated her and was always screaming at her for even no reason at all. Lily was sad.

_When Petunia first started hating Lily and first found out she was a witch_

"Hey, Lily, what's that letter you got with that strange owl, say?" Petunia asked, smiling.

"It says I'm a witch." Lily replied.

Petunia slapped Lily, "I HATE YOU, YOU FREAK. GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Petunia, I thought we were friends!"

"NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD AND I HATE YOU!"

"But, Petunia, I love you! You're my sister!"

"I HATE YOU! YOU'RE A WITCH AND I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD AND I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!"

"Petunia, you just said earlier that we would alway be the best of friends and that we would never let anything get between us."

"YOU'RE STUPID AND I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO GO FIND VERNON AND SNOG HIS FACE OFF BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY!"

_End of when Petunia started hating Lily and found out Lily was a witch._

Blah, blah, blah. Another six paragraphs about Petunia hating Lily and another five paragraphs about Lily being so sad.

Next to Petunia was Lily's parents. Her mother's name was Rose (of course) because she liked flowers and that's why she named her daughters after flowers too. She was beautiful and that's where Lily got her looks from, Petunia just wasn't very lucky in the genetic process and ended up really ugly.

Blah, blah, blah. Toss in a few paragraphs saying how Lily had her mother's eyes or her hair, whichever.

Then there was Lily's father. His name was something weird or cliched. Lily's father was also very handsome so that's also why Lily's so beautiful and boys' are proposing to her for marriage, even though she's only eleven and just starting out in puberty, but whatever. Both her parents are handsome and beautiful so Lily's special.

Blah, blah, blah. Toss in a few more paragraphs about how Lily has his eyes or his hair, depending on whether Lily had her mother's eyes or hair.

Lily and her family were standing in the middle of platform's nine and ten in confusion.

"Where's the platform?" Lily asked.

"I HATE YOU, YOU FREAK!" Petunia screamed out randomly, but nobody else on the platform noticed Petunia's screaming apparently, except Lily, who promptly burst into tears.

Rose laughed cheerfully and delicately,"Oh, get along, girls!"

Lily all of a sudden stopped sobbing and saw some people who looked like magical people because they had owls or had the Hogwarts crest on their trunks or something like that.

Lily quickly walked over and tapped a boy about her age, on the shoulder.

This boy was very tall for his age at about seven feet, six inches. How a eleven year old could be seven feet, six inches no one knows. But, whatever. This boy was _so_ attractive. He had the most handsome pools of hazel liquid (his eyes). Girls all the time could just fall in them and lose themselves in them forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Really!

Blah, blah, blah. Add a few more paragraphs about the abnormally tall, yet drop dead gorgeous, eleven year old boys eyes.

The boy also had black, round glasses that glittered like diamonds in the sun. How glasses can glitter like diamonds in the sun, no one knows. It just makes the boy sound more attractive, even though he doesn't need to sound more attractive because he is totally and completely a sex god and _playa_! Even though he's only eleven years old. But, whatever.

Blah, blah, blah. Add twenty more paragraphs about him being totally and completely a sex god and _playa_ and about his black, round (very expensive, no doubt) glasses glittering in the sun.

And what attractive eyebrows this boy had! They were just right. Girls would just flock to his feet and kiss the ground he walks on because his eyebrows are just so _gorgeous_! Girls were always asking if they could just gobble up his eyebrows all the time!

Blah, blah, blah. Add one more paragraph about the boys absolutely _gorgeous_ eyebrows.

Oh, and his _hair_ hasn't even been mentioned yet! That lush, jet black, beautiful, handsome, extremely se-_xy_, attractive, gorgeous, perfect, messy hair of his. Girls could only dream of running their hands through his hair. And, Merlin, did _they_ have good dreams.

Blah, blah, blah. Add five hundred more paragraphs about his hair because it's so utterly lush, jet black, beautiful, handsome, extremely se-_xy_, attractive, gorgeous, perfect, and messy.

And last, but _definitely_ not least, was his muscles. They were so defined and great! They were terrific! They were like solid rock. Girls could only wish they could run their hands over his abs. Oh, yeah. They were _that_ toned. Even though, you know, he's only eleven years old, but, he can be a bluff bloke at eleven if he wants to be.

Blah, blah, blah. Ten more paragraphs about the boys wonderful rock hard abs and toned muscles.

Yes, this boy- this _man_- this eleven year old man- was just drop dead gorgeous! So many girls had just fallen down dead at the sight of him because he's just that attractive. Even the female healer who delivered him when he was born just dropped dead on the spot. Like _that_!

_When the boys healer just dropped dead at the sight of him when he was born_

"Push!" Said the healer.

"Argh!" Said the boys mother

"Push!"

"I am pushing, dammit!"

Finally, the boy emerge and the healer took one look at him and said with a huge, stupid grin on her face,"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE BABY IS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! I'M GOING TO DROP DEAD NOW!"

And she did.

_End of when the boys healer just dropped dead at the sight of him when he was born_

Anyways, Lily just thought this boy was just totally and utterly gorgeous. She blushed furiously.

"WOW! You're gorgeous!" She exclaimed.

The boy smirked an I-Know-I'm-Drop-Dead-Gorgeous at Lily. Lily didn't seem to notice. She was too busy staring at him stupidly- because he was drop dead gorgeous and all. "Hey. I'm James Potter."

WOW! What a _coincedience_ that Lily would meet James Potter between platforms nine and ten. Even though there's about a few hundred students going there today to board the Hogwarts express, she just _happened_ to meet _him_ of all people! How ironic!

"I was wondering if you," Lily started,"knew how to get onto platform nine and three quarters- WOW! YOU'RE STILL SUPER, DUPER GORGEOUS!"

"Okay, I'll show you, but you have to go out with me in exchange." James said arrogantly. Even though he had just met Lily and really didn't know anything about her, James just decided to ask her anyways.

Lily found James Potter disgusting that second,"I HATE YOU, JAMES POTTER! YOU'RE AN ARROGANT PRAT AND I HATE YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"

"But, I love you, whatever-your-name-is!" James shouted as Lily continued screaming her hatred at him, no passer-byers or anyone noticing the extremely loud yelling and screaming.

James, of course, loved Lily, even though he'd spoken less than fifty words to her and had only just met her. But, that doesn't matter because he's James Potter and she's Lily Evans.

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH! LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER, POTTER! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE SO SHALLOW!"

"I love you!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"I love you, let's go snog!"

"I HATE YOU AND- sure. Okay. Let's go snog. Even though we're just eleven and really not even suppose to be _this_ hormonal yet and we just met and even though I just said I hated you, but, whatever!" Lily said.

James took Lily's hand and they skipped happily into the sunset and out of the train station (even though they were suppose to get onto the Hogwarts express and even though it was morning and the sun shouldn't be setting yet), so they could go snog passionately after less than five minutes of their first meeting.

The end.

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**Author's Note: Hmmm. Random enough? Funny enough? Parody-ish enough? Exaggerated enough? Sucked enough? I don't know when I'll add another one-shot, just whenever I have the time, patience, or feel like it, I suppose. Hope you liked it. . .or hope you thought it was the crappiest one-shot you've ever read, because if you did, great! I achieved one of my many goals! LOL!**

**Even though I said I was trying not to write anything until An Off Course Bet was finished, I could help but start this one. And it's not an actually STORY with a plot and everything, just some one-shots, so, I really don't have to update it as much as my other stories. **

**Can't wait to write another lame one-shot!**

**Eye Heart Music**


	2. Plan Flower for Prongs

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Author's Note: Here's a really lame one-shot. Not any extra precautions. Yet. Enjoy reading this. . .if you can!**

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_Parody/Really Lame One-Shot Number Two_

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"I HATE YOU, POTTER!"

"Do you want to snog, Evans?"

YOU'RE SO STUPID!"

"I can find a broom closet around here. . ."

"YOU'RE SUCH A PRICK!"

"Hey, Remus."

Hot Remus looked up from one of his usual one million, five hundred and seventy-six page, dusty, old book. "What?" He asked very wisely, because after all, he's Hot Remus Lupin. The wise, sensible, responsible, bookworm of the troublemaking, Hot Marauders (who are also very, very hot).

"What, Sirius?"

Hot Sirius watched Lily and Hot James with some sort of twinkle his eye (amused, playful, anything like that). "I think we should be matchmakers and make a plan to get Hot James and Evans together."

Hot Remus eyebrows rose wisely,"A plan?"

"Yeah. It'll be called something really, really original like. . ._Flower for Prongs_ or- how about, A Flower for A Stag?"

Not Hot At All But Actually Really Hideous Peter had just entered the Gryffindor common room. He had just got back from his death eater meeting in the Slytherin common room. He and Voldermort discussed the best strategies to betray best friends and be a traitor in general, over tea and chocolate frogs. There were green and white sprinkles on the chocolate frogs to go along with the Slytherin house colors. He sat down by Hot Remus and Hot Sirius as Lily told Hot James he was a prick. Wow! She'd never said _that_ before. "How about _Plan Lily and James_?"

"That's stupid, Peter." Hot Sirius said. Not Hot At All But Actually Really Hideous Peter "mysteriously disappeared" again to have another tea break with Voldie and the Gang.

"I don't think that's wise, Sirius." Hot Remus said wisely.

"Why not?" Hot Sirius asked cluelessly.

"GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, POTTER!"

"Because it's not wise."

"Oh." Hot Sirius shrugged. "Oh, well. _Plan Flower for Prongs_ is now in session.

"Oh, joy." Hot Remus said wisely unenthusiastically.

"Oh, yes. Here's the plan. . ."

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"Okay. . .one. . .two. . .three-" Hot Sirius locked the door, brushing aside some of his wonderfully beautiful hair with his utterly strong arms from all of those quidditch practices.

There were sounds of Lily screaming at Hot James and at anyone who would listen in general from the other side of the broom closet.

"SIRIUS BLACK, I AM GOING TO HEX YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME!- POTTER, I HATE YOU!"

"Evans, want to snog? We're in a broom closet now!"

"Okay, James, Evans!" Hot Sirius started. "You two will have to stay in there till you're snogging and shagging like bunnies!" Wow! The idea of trapping Lily and Hot James in a broom closet till they love each other was just so original Hot Sirius!

Hot Remus tutted wisely. Not the farting "tut", but the "tut" you make with your mouth because Hot Remus does not fart- if he did, it would be wisely. "I don't think this is a good idea, Sirius."

"Oh, well. I'm reckless." Hot Sirius said with a shrug.

Hot Remus just continued to tut (with his mouth, not his arse) wisely.

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"More tea, Mr. Voldie?"

"Oh yes, please." Voldie requested pleasantly just after finishing off another death eater who hadn't gotten him another chocolate frog in time.

Not Hot At All But Really Hideous Peter nodded (in a hideous way) and poured more tea for Mr. Voldie. "What is next in our agenda?"

Mr. Voldie took a sip of tea. "Next, you spy on your friends and and betray them and the despicable Order." He said pleasantly. Around Mr. Voldie and Not Hot At All But Really Hideous Peter, death eaters were dancing around in a circle doing something between the tango and the polka, singing "Voldie is Number One" over and over again.

All of a sudden, Dumbledore himself walked in. "Oh, my! I am so sorry! Was I interrupting an evil death eater meeting again?"

Voldie shook his head in disapproval while the dancing and singing death eaters around him began singing "Follow the Voldie-Brick Road". "I am disappointed in you, Albus! This is the third time this month you've accidently dropped in on our meeting!"

"So sorry, Tom. I am late for a meeting with Severus at the edge of the Astronomy tower." With that, Dumbledore left and headed for the Astronomy tower.

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"I HATE YOU, POTTER!"

"Want to snog?"

"I REALLY HATE YOU AND YOU'RE A PRICK! AND A GIT. AND A PATHETIC TOAD. AND A GOAT- A HORRIBLE GOAT! YOU'RE ALSO A MINDLESS, SPINELESS, AWFUL, ARROGANT, CRUEL, FOOLISH- and, okay."

And the two began a very passionate snogging session. Wow!

Hot Sirius and Hot Remus (who had a new two million, eight hundred and fifty-nine page book in his arms- the other book he had finished) came back to the closet and opened the door. WOW! Their oh-so-original plan worked! Go _Flower for Prongs_!

And so, their the two Hot boys stood, watching Lily and Hot James snog passionately (Lily muttering what a "git" Hot James was every once and a while). Soon after Mr. Voldie and Peter, along with the death eaters also joined the Hot boys watch Lily and Hot James snog. Dumbledore and Severus also joined. They all began dancing around Lily and Hot James singing,"Oh, How We Love Mary-Sues" over and over again. The sun came out bright and the world was happy again (it was happy before, but whatever).

The end.

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**Author's Note: . . . . . . .LOL! I wrote this in literally. . .fifteen minutes! LOL! Now that's one crappy one-shot, yet one pretty good parody, eh? LoL. Lily screaming all the time, James only saying four or five sentences- all about snogging, a bit of Voldie- what more could someone ask for? X D I just a spur of inspiration to write another parody tonight. . .Okay. . .well, I've got to get to sleep now. Tired. Yawns**

**More updates on the weekend. By the way, check out the new banner for my recent one-shot,"Starry Nights" at my hideaway (website).**

**Toodles,**

**Eye Heart Music**


	3. James Potter Babies

**Disclaimer: I own nothing what's so ever. Thanks.**

Author's Note: Hey. I've come up with another inspiring parody. It really inspired me, changing my life completely with:

-James knowing _way_ too much about girl's clothes

-Lily being ugly and fat and just _completely_ changing overnight for the Christmas ball.

-Five paragraph descriptions of Lily in her new transformation at the Christmas ball!

-Lily bursting into tears every five minutes

-And dun, dun, _dun_... the evil, jealous, stalker girlfriend.

Oh, and also, I'm going to have to add something to the lists of precautions in the first parody.

-A gas mask to cover your nose from the deadly cheesy-moments gas that floats around. It is very, _very_ deadly. Please take caution.

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"You're so fat, Lily. And ugly. A pile of dung looks better than you." Hottie Hot James said. He even pointed and did that "ha-ha" laugh.

Lily promptly burst into tears and ran out of the Great Hall.

Of course, the Marauders didn't really have any human emotions and were really cruel. They tripped Lily. She ran out after getting up.

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"Ha, ha, that was so funny." Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter laughed.

Hottie Hot Sirius rolled his eyes at Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter.

Hottie Hot James smirked and turned around in his seat, continuing lunch as usual. He smirked at a few girls and they just literally fainted. He was so _dreamy_... Their boyfriends glared at Hottie Hot James (but couldn't help but see how dreamy Hottie Hot James was too and became slightly weak at the knees) and carried their girlfriends to the Hospital Wing.

All of a sudden, Jess (Jealous Evil Stupid Stalker) popped up out of no where and sat herself down on Hottie Hot James' lap. "Hi, James." She said seductively.

Hottie Hot James gave a Hottie Hot smile. "Hey." He didn't know her name.

"You're early this morning. You usually come to breakfast at 8:23, not 8:30. I've been waiting for you for _so_ long."

Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus rolled his eyes. He saw right past Jess. "Wow, you've been waiting for James for seven minutes. It's amazing." Oh, how he had such wonderful sarcastic remarks. He was still a cruel, emotion-lacking person though. Yeah. You know those Marauders...

"I know!" Jess exclaimed. "I wanted to wait until you had sat down at the table before coming over- that usually takes you two minutes and thirty-six seconds- but then that stupid Evans girl came about. I hate her. She's so hideous."

Hottie Hot James and Jess started their usual morning snogging session (they had a lunch snogging session, mid-afternoon snogging session, evening snogging session, and a midnight snogging session. They would have had a 3 AM snogging session, but that cut into Jess's ever so precious Watching Hottie Hot James Sleep In His Dormitory time).

Hottie Hot Sirius comment about throwing up his breakfast at the sight, Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter was too busy to notice since he was stuffing his face, and Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus, being Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus, was reading.

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"Hi, Lily." said Roconi (Random Original Character Of No Importance)

Lily only sobbed harder. She hated those Marauders. She hated them, and everyone else! She hated herself too! She hated everything times infinity!

She used to be popular, but her parents were murdered by Voldemort He was out to kill Lily and everyone she loved because she was muggleborn and because she was also a seer, animagus (a doe (female deer)), had super powers (could turn invisible, shoot out fire and water, do wandless magic, go back in time without a time turner, fly without a broom, and heal wounds just with her touch), an element (fire), and part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort.

Lily had become very depressed after her parents died, thinking it was her fault they died. Her sister Petunia said she hated her and it was Lily's fault their parents had died, making Lily burst into tears (Lily bursts into tears a lot).

Anyways, she became very isolated and buried her head in schoolwork. She was promptly forgot about by her friends and everyone else in school after three days, even though she was one of the nicest, prettiest girls in school.

She ate a lot more to get rid of the pain in her heart and didn't care anymore about what she looked like, wearing baggy clothes (that were really ugly), and never combing her hair, leaving it down all the time. She became very fat and chubby.

Roconi smiled a small smile. She was pretty popular, but kind at heart, unlike the other popular girls who teased Lily constantly. "I know we never talk, but I was wondering if I could give you a makeover and turn you into someone beautiful for the Christmas ball tonight?"

Lily sniffled. She argued with Roconi for a while, saying she didn't want to be trifled with and leave her alone. But, she eventually gave in and Roconi gave her a makeover.

Lily burst into tears after seeing the results of her makeover in the mirror. She was beautiful, just like that! After all, it not like what's on the inside counts or anything. Yes, Hogwarts students are very shallow. In a good way, of course.

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Hottie Hot James was chatting (snogging) with Jess at the Christmas ball when he opened his eyes for a second. He saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his entire life. He was in love. Already. Yes, wow.

Hottie Hot James pulled away from Jess who pouted one of those annoying pouts. He waved bye to her and walked over to his dream girl.

"Hey." He said in his most Hottie Hot-ish way. He passed her a smile. Hottie James didn't even recognize the girl as Lily. Wow. He must really be oblivious. No... he was just utterly in love with her to realize who it was.

The girl didn't smile back. "Hi."

"What might your name be."

"Lily."

"LILY? OH MY FREAKING GOD! IT'S LILY EVANS!" James cooled down. He looked her over.

She was wearing a long, emerald green floor length dress. It wasn't puffy, but silky and showed every curve of Lily's body (of course). The dress did good for Lily's figure since Roconi did a charm that magically melted away all of Lily's extra fat and now she had the perfect hour glass figure.

Anyways, Hottie Hot James noticed that the dress had tiny, glittery sequins all over it, except for at certain areas where there were black sequins that made the shape of a lily (of course). The hem of the dress had little beads dangling off the edge. They tinkled with Lily's every movement.

The neckline of Lily's dress was V shaped, and showed a modest amount of cleavage, but not too much. The sleeves were long and went out past Lily's finger tips. The entire dress was flow-y and soft.

Lily's red hair was curled in medium size curls and left down. He noticed the green glitter in it and a small hair ornament, a lily (of course) on the side of her head. She had a green necklace with green jewels glittering.

Lily also had make-up on, which she hadn't put on since her parents deaths. Hottie Hot James noticed she had Witchly Witch mascara on, and Glamour Witch eyeshadow on (it was a light shade of green, he also noticed), and Glamour Witch lip gloss on as well (Glamour witch made a lot of different make-up products).

Hottie Hot James noticed Lily's fingernails had magical manicures too. They were dark green with little tiny lilies (of course) on them. There were little diamonds next to the lilies.

Hottie Hot James finally noticed Lily's shoes. They were green (of course) high heels, making Lily a bit taller than usual. Her toes were also green with little lilies (of course).

"Who's the hot girl?" Hottie Hot Sirius asked, magically popping up next to the two.

"Lily."

"Really? OH MY FREAKING GOD! IT'S LILY EVANS! SHE'S NOT UGLY ANYMORE! SHE'S HOT! I'M GETTING SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW!"

"Yeah." Hottie Hot James said with love struck eyes.

Lily turned and walked off (looking about ready to burst into tears again). Hottie Hot James followed her like a lost puppy. "Want to dance?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I have a dark, dark secret and I don't want to get close to people because it hurts too much."

"Oh." Hottie Hot James paused for a second or two before dreamily sighing at Lily. He was so taken with her. Now that she beautiful and all. He didn't care about her when she was ugly though. Oh that Hottie Hot James Potter, so shallowing and wonderful...not to mention _dreamy_.

"Do you want to dance now?" Hottie Hot James asked.

Lily burst into tears. "NO! I HAVE A SECRET AND I DON'T LIKE GETTING CLOSE TO PEOPLE BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED!"

"I know. It's okay." He patted her on the back. Lily started feeling better.

"Do you want to dance now?" Hottie Hot James asked once more.

Lily sniffled before nodding. Maybe Hottie Hot James wasn't as bad as Lily thought. And it only took her thirty seconds to realize that too. Wow. Record time.

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Hottie Hot James felt like he was floating on clouds with Lily. They were the only two people on the dancing floor as far as he was concerned.

Lily's feelings were similiar. She was utterly in love with Hottie Hot James. Hottie Hot James had _opened_ her _up_. He had _tore_ down her _walls_. He had _opened_ her _heart_. She didn't care about Voldemort anymore.

All in ten minutes. Hottie Hot James worked fast, you know.

As they cherished the feeling of each others touch, Jess came up and grabbed Lily by the hair and tackling her to the floor.

"YOU LITTLE MORON! YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND/STALK-EE/OBSESSION/FUTURE HUSBAND! I HATE YOU AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!" She kicked Lily, who had burst into tears long ago.

Hottie Hot James raced to pick Jess up off of Lily and held her back. Hottie Hot Sirius took her off his hands and dragged her away. She was sobbing and trying to run back to Hottie Hot James. "I LOVE YOU, JAMES! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES! I LLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOU! I LOVE YOUR SEXY HAIR AND GLASSES! I LOVE YOUR WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE OF MAKE UP AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS! I LOVE WATCHING YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT! I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNKKKK! I LOVE STALKING YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES! PPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hottie Hot James ignored her and pulled Lily close to him, who was still bawling and crying.

"It's okay, Lily. She's gone and I won't let anything hurt you again." He said in a that deep, manly, husky voice of his.

Lily sniffled. "James, I have to tell you something."

Hottie Hot James nodded in an understanding way because Lily's love had given him human emotions.

"I'm a seer, animagus, have super powers, am an element, and I'm also part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort." She burst into fresh tears and buried her head into James' shoulder.

Hottie Hot James looked shocked, but rubbed her back in a soothing way. "It's okay, Lily. I understand. It's okay if you're a seer, animagus, have super powers, are an element, and are part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort. It's okay. I understand because I love you. I've loved you since I first saw you tonight, all beautiful and hot. I'll take care of you from now on, Lily. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Lily sniffled, "I love you too!"

...And so, the two had finally found their soul mates at the magical Christmas ball. They married, had a son named Harry, and lived happily ever after.

Until they died.

The end.

-------------------------

Author's Note: I think that one covered quite a few cliches in this parody, yeah? LoL. I have to go back to school tomorrow... ew. Anyways, happy New Years!

Toodles,

Eye Heart Music

P.S. To any Jess' out there, please don't take offense to the Jess (Jealous Evil Stupid Stalker) in this story. The Jess in this story is... er, unique and one of a kind... and wants to have James Potter's babies.


End file.
